Kary Hulsebus Journal
This is my personal journal. I started it one night in November of 2004, before I lost my little girl. I started it specifically so I would write about Anna’s life in it, so I would have something to look back on. I only got a few entries in it before Anna died, and many afterwards.
I hope that by sharing my journal, others who have lost their children will feel somewhat of a comfort in knowing that they are not alone in the feelings that come with the loss of their child. Although the grief is so different for everyone, at least we all can take comfort in knowing that we are not alone. That we all feel like dying one minute and living the next.
When Clint and I talked to Anna, we had our own little language with her. The reason why I tell this is because in the journal, I sometimes talk in this talk and refer to Anna with the nick-names we made for her. For example, Clint called himself Dabby when he talked to her. We frequently replaced th’s in words with f’s. We called her Pickle Chip, Super Sip, ladybug, lippet, baby gril (instead of girl), and many more. It was just our special way of communicating with Anna.
So, it is my sincere hope that anyone who reads this lets the words from my heart and soul comfort them in their sadness, make them happy in their joy and always remember just how much love I have for my little grillie. Whether Anna is here or in Heaven, nothing changes the way that little sweet baby touched my heart. Nobody will ever touch me that way, ever in my life again…..and that’s OK. It’s actually more than OK. I was given a gift that no other gift will ever compare to. I would never have wanted to live my life without her in it. Never, ever.
November 8, 2004 – It’s 7pm on a Monday night. I’m laying here with Anna on the floor. I’m starting this journal because I want to be able to look back and read about Anna and everything in general. Anna is in her pink pants and purple shirt. She smells so sweet, like her spit. Call me crazy, but I cannot get enough of her scent. I miss Clint. I love having him around. I hope and pray we work things out soon. A lady at my work took her own life last week. They found her in a hotel room, all alone. It’s so sad. I wish she would’ve reached out to someone for help. I know God will show mercy on her soul. I prayed for that. I hope to see her in heaven someday. Anna’s going to heaven, no question. That is so amazing to me. I have an angel for a daughter. What a gift. Have to go smell my angel now…
November 9, 2004 – It was a busy day at work today. Florence called because Anna wouldn’t stop crying. I came home for a while, gave her some Tylenol and comforted her. I think she may have had a kidney stone trying to make its way out. Poor little girlie. I went back to work and when I came home, she was sleeping. Anna is having a seizure now. I sure hope we can find something to help her. It breaks my heart to see her hurting. I hope I figure out something I can do to work from home soon. I want to be with my baby girl. I have to go make Anna Grapeses food now and get her meds drawn for tomorrow. I have laundry to finish also….never ending laundry. Anna looks so cute today. She has a red and pink shirt on with pink pants. She’s so pretty. She’s getting sleepy now…
February 28, 2005 – I just found this in the bottom of the magazine rack. I almost forgot how important it is to write in this. It may be all I have to look back on someday. Anna just got out of the hospital last week. She was at St. Joes for 2 weeks. She ended up getting pneumonia. She’s doing well now. She’s on oxygen at home. We have her on 1 ½ liters. Dr. Welsh says it will help with the inflammation. He said to come back to the office if she’s not back to her base line within 3 weeks. She’s in purple pants and her white onesie with tulips on it. She’s so cute! She’s now on 2 different seizure meds and seems to be having a lot less seizures. I talked to Elaine Cumbie at Children’s today. She asked how she was doing. I need to start going to the gym soon. I think it will help me relieve some stress. I hope and pray that Anna is well throughout what is left of winter. Gregory is still having problems with pain. I need to pray for him harder. Garrett has a girlfriend. Her name is Kyrin. He really likes her. She seems like a nice girl. Work was busy today. I don’t feel like I accomplished much. Oh well, there’s always another day…. Talk to ya later….
March 2, 2005 – My baby died yesterday on March 1st. I cannot believe this. She died of heart failure at Kim’s house. I wasn’t there. I held her in my arms at the hospital until Clint got there. He took her oxygen off of her pretty little face and took her shirt off and kangaroo’d with her. He must have laid there with her for an hour. It’s so lonely without her. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever. We’re going to make arrangements for her service now.
March 3, 2005 – I’m so lost without you. Why does it feel so empty… I know why, I just don’t want this. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. Waking up in the morning is so hard. I can’t bear it. You are still my everything. Why didn’t I write in this the day you died? Why! I love you angel baby. You are the most beautifuliest in the world. I dreamt about you again last night but I still can’t remember. I’ll write it down next time. Whether it be at 3am or 3pm, I’ll do it.
March 5, 2005 6:15am – Hi little lovey. I was just up in bed and you told me to get up and write if I couldn’t sleep. I miss you so much. I wish I could come up to heaven with you, but it’s not Mommy’s time yet. I can’t believe you’re gone Gracie. I don’t feel like I have many tears left, but I know they are in there waiting for the moment to mourn you. Those moments come so often, mostly when I’m alone with your Dabby. He’s sleeping now. I hope he’s having sweet dreams of you. Yesterday he dreamt that he was giving you a bath on the freeway overpass by the funeral home and you came back to life… and you had all of your hair. I’m glad he got to see you in a dream. I want to dream of you so bad, but I haven’t been able to remember any dreams since you passed. I dreamt of you the night you died and the night after and I can’t remember them. So sad. My little sweetest, I’m downstairs on the couch wrapped up in the blanket you used to lay on all of the time, it’s the quilt Aunt Chris made me out of Grandma Bess’s aprons. It doesn’t help me feel closer to you like I thought it would. Well, my little pickle lips, I’m going to try and get some sleep so I can dream about you. Thank you for telling Mommy to come and write to you. It feels good, a little. I love you from the depths of my heart and soul…infinity. Love, Mommy.
Anna, please pray for Dabby and Mommy. We need peace in our hearts and only your prayers can bring it. WE LOVE YOU, WE LOVE YOU, WE LOVE YOU, FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
March 6, 2005 – Happy Birthday Anna Grace Hulsebus!
We are going to celebrate your birthday with the whole family this day. The sun rose and shined into your room so brightly this morning. I know that you are here with us. I miss you so very much sweet peanut. Mommy is going to sing to you now…Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday Dear Anna Grace, Happy Birthday to you.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know Anna how much we love you. Please don’t ever take my Anna Grace away.
You will forever be with us our little bug.
I LOVE YOU!
March 7, 2005 – It’s your funeral today my little lovey. It’s 7:24am now. Your funeral starts at 11am. It should be and will be a sad but wonderful celebration of your life. What a day That Will Be! My shamoney. I love you, I love you, I love you! You are the light of my life. Thank you my angel! LOVE 4-EVER.
P.S. The kitty is just sitting in the middle of the floor waiting for you. He misses you.
March 8, 2005 – It’s a sad day today little love bug. We miss you so very much. Thank you for the strength you gave us both yesterday. We got through, ONLY because of you. Dabby cried this morning. He misses you so much. Your kitty gave me kisses and I felt as if they were from you. I love you, I love you, I love you…. We’re going to put tulips on your grave today. I miss you my sweet little angel baby. You wore a blue sleeper with your three wisemen tucked into your left arm and Mommy, Dabby’s and your picture on your chest. I love you so much. Have a fun day in heaven today. Give yourself a big squeeze (hug) and lots of kisses from Mommy and Dabby. We miss you and love you, love you, love you! Talk to you soon. I love you baby grilie.
March 10, 2005 – Hi little lovey. My precious Anna. I miss you so very much. I didn’t go to your grave today. I looked in your crib and it was so empty. I try to imagine you there, but it hurts too bad. I want you here with me so bad, but I know you are happy in heaven with Jesus. I’m so lonely without you love bug. Hugs and kisses to you. You are my sunshine. I planted the rose that someone gave us for you on your funeral. I also planted daffodils, crocus and hyacinth. I was throwing the weeds away when I felt something land on me. I went to brush it away and it fell off and it was a ladybug, it was you. I held you in my hand and Dabby and I watched as you flew away. I hope you come to visit me soon again. I miss you so much that I hurt inside. I love you pickle chip. Stay warm and always remember us. I’ll always and forever remember you. You are my angel. Please come and see me in my dreams. This is all so unreal still. I love you, I love you, I love you.
LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER…..INFINITY!
LOVE YOUR MOMMY
March 11, 2005 – This life is no fun without you. I miss you so much. I don’t want another child, I want you back. I had a dream last night that you came back to life. You were struggling to breathe and I couldn’t get you enough oxygen. It was so scary. I need to go see your grave today. I’m sorry I didn’t go yesterday. I should have. I will come and put a flower on it today, my little angel. I’m going to plant some geraniums at Grandma Dodd’s house. Maybe Gamma will want to come and visit you too. I love you, I love you, I love you. Stay warm and cozy. I miss you so very much little lovey.
LOVE YOUR MOMMY
P.S. Your kitty misses you and so does your Dabby.
March 14, 2005 – I just ran a bath for the first time since you died. I’m so sad. I wish I were giving you a bath. Oh Anna, I miss you so much. I’m sitting in your room remembering how I used to hold you in my lap in the early mornings and late nights. Why did you have to go? I want to sit on your bedroom floor and cradle you close to my heart like I used to. I love you pretty grilie. I’m going to go take my bath now. I love you and miss you so much it hurts. Watch over us my sweet Anna Grace, angel baby. We need you now. I love you, I love you, I love you.
HUGS FOREVER.
Love, Your Mommy
P.S. I will think of you in the bath and always…. Hearts.
March 15, 2005 – Hi my little ladybug. I miss you so much. It’s 2 weeks to the day that you passed away. I want to smell you, hold you and kiss you so much. I find myself trying to be happy but I just can’t get all the way there yet. I’ll be joking and smiling about something and then all of a sudden, I get very sad. I love holding your sleeper close to me at night. It makes me feel like I am keeping you warm. I sometimes wonder if you can feel my heartbeat when I hold your sleeper close. Gamma cried on the phone with me today. I felt so sad for her. She missed you so much. Well little lovey, Mommy has to go to bed now. Sleep well in the arms of our God. I love you, I love you, I love you….
Forever and Always, Infinity.
LOVE YOU ANGEL BABY.
Love, Your Mommy 4-ever
March 16, 2005 – Hi love bug. I just got home from work. I went shopping afterwards with Jen and Mariah. I had a good time. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t have a good time because you are gone. I feel guilty for it, but I know that’s not how you would want me to feel. I miss you terribly. I hope I was the best mother to you. I would give anything to be with you again, but I don’t want to take the glory of heaven away from you. We’ll be together again soon. I miss your sweet spit smell my angel. I miss your stinky peets. I just miss you… Jen invited me over for dinner tonight. I’m going to go. I sure wish you were with me. The last time I was at Jen’s, you were with me. This will be a little hard for me tonight. The “firsts” always are. I better go change into some comfy clothes now. I love you, I love you, I love you…
Forever and Always…Infinity!
Love, Your Mommy MISS YOU!
March 18, 2005 – Hi peaches and cream. I hope you are having fun playing and laughing with Jesus. Sure wish I were there to hold your precious body in my arms. Today was a hard day. I seemed to have so little patience. Everything and everyone around me irritated me. I miss you so much. Like I was telling your Dabby earlier, “This Sucks.” Not for you my sweet girl, but for us. I dreamt of you choking on parts of your feed bag and egg shells and strange things. I kept pulling them out of your mouth. Then I dreamt of you spitting up and it actually made me feel a little better knowing that you did not have to throw up anymore. Dabby and I went to your grave this evening. We put three roses on it, one for each of us. Dabby’s and mine were red and in the center we laid a pink one down for you. Dabby also wanted to put your stained glass ladybug out there so we took it out and stuck it in the ground at the head of your grave. We also found a beautiful little kitty that hung from a wire that said “You Are Blessed” and we brought it out and stuck it in the ground above your name placard that they put down. We miss you so. I’m going to go watch a movie with Dabby right now. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Forever and Always…Infinity!
Love Always, Your Mommy.
MISS YOU INFINITY
March 23, 2005 – Sorry my little sweet thing. I haven’t written in a while. I’m running a bath right now. It’s a little after 10pm. I’m going to go take my bath and I’ll come back and write to you more. I’m going to read a little book called “Death of a Little Child.” I want to see if it will help me some. I’ve been so sad lately. I’ll let you know how it goes. Be back soon….
I read it. It’s OK. I had higher expectations. I think I need to not do that. Little love, Mommy is soooo very tired. I’m going to go to sleep now. I love you angel girl. Please come to me in happy dreams tonight. I want to see you so bad. I love you forever and always…INFINITY.
Love you in heaven and on earth….Your Mommy
P.S. Your kitty misses you lots. He rubbed up on this pen for you.
March 24, 2005 – My heart hurts so bad. I want to smell you, to hold you, to kiss you, to just look at you. I cannot stop crying. Oh Anna, I’m so sorry for the pain you had to endure. I hope your life was filled with love, so much that you never knew what it was like to be alone. I hope all those nights that you laid alone in the dark that you weren’t scared. I hope everything that you did, you enjoyed. Oh my sissy, my heart cries and aches for you. I hope you are running in a field of flowers, chasing butterflies. My sweet baby gril, I Love you eternally. My heart is broken and empty. Please come to me in my dreams. I need to see that you are OK. Please come…. Sweet dreams beautiful girl.
I love you forever and always, infinity!
Hugs and Kisses Forever,
Your Mommy
March 26, 2005 – Hi my little lovey. Daddy just said “naptime” and for the first time since you’ve gone, I thought that I’d better get your feed ready before we take a nap. I cried. I miss you so my angel. What am I going to do without you? Uncle Steve and Aunt Linda asked us over for dinner tomorrow. It’s Easter Sunday then. I said No. I don’t even know why. I think we should go, but I don’t know if Dabby wants to or not. Maybe he would like some time alone. I will ask him. I miss kisses with you, I miss smelling you. It hasn’t gotten easier yet. They say that all the “firsts” are the most difficult. The first morning we woke without you here, the first bath we ran after we gave you a bath, etc. But, the “seconds,” “thirds,” “fourths,” and so on feel just as hard. I know that you are having a wonderful time with Jesus. I love you sweetest thing. You are my life, my purpose. I will miss you every day of every month of every year that I live.
FOREVER AND ALWAYS YOUR ONLY MOMMY!
LOVE YOU, Your Mommy
March 27, 2005 Anna, Happy Easter my sweet girl. I miss you very, very much. I want you back in my arms. How beautiful you are. Dabby and I went to church today. We also went and brought you some flowers. So many people brought you flowers. You are so loved, my little girl. I heard the song “This is for all you girls” today. It always reminds me of when Dabby sang to you. He would sing, “This is por all you girls bout free and a palf….Your Dabby’s kissing you and you just want to take a baff.” :o) I can’t stop crying. I’m so sorry that I gave you a cold. I’m so very sorry. I only wanted to make you better. I’m so sad. I’ve never felt more lost. I think of you constantly. I feel like crying when I’m not smiling remembering you. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster. Everything you are, I am. Everything you were, I was. What is left of me? It feels like an empty shell. Thank goodness for your Dabby. I love him so. He bought me a Charelston Chew…. Dabby love me too…. I’m going to watch a new show called “Grey’s Anatomy” now. I love you beautiful. Have a wonderful day tomorrow. Have a restful night…is there night and day in heaven? Love you forever and always…infinity.
All My Love, Mommiest.
March 28, 2005 – 8:30pm Hi little lovey. I just got home from work. I worked late to get a month end order out. I miss you very much. I can’t even go into your room without crying. I smelled your little pants that you wore the day you died and it makes me ache for you. Oh God Anna, I miss you and love you so. I wish I could’ve stayed home always with you. You light up my life. More than you ever knew. I don’t want to live without you. But, for you, I will go on. I have to, I guess. I love you, I love you, I love you. I’m going to go take a shower and watch a movie with Dabby now. We love you ANNA GRAPSES.
Love you forever and always, infinity.
YOU ARE PRECIOUS
Love, Your Only Mommy
March 30, 2005 – My life just feels like one big act now. I feel like a bad actor in the midst of it all. I just can’t wait until this act is over. I hate life without you. I want to run so far away, where nobody can find me. Everyone is so selfish in this world, thinking only of themselves. Why won’t God take us all now? Please God, come and take us. I want to be with you again, Anna Grace. I love you pumpkin pie. You are my everything.
LOVE YOU INFINITY
Love Always on Earth and In Heaven,
Your Mommy
April 2, 2005 – I don’t even know what to say at this point. I’m angry. I’m so sad that it makes me angry. I want to go far away somewhere, where nobody can ever find me. I hate life, I can’t stand to be around people, I wish your Daddy would talk to me, but instead he just bottles it up and gets angry. I know how he feels. I couldn’t imagine being angry like that for my entire life. That sucks! I want to bring you flowers again today, the only reason why I may not is because I don’t think your Daddy wants to. I’m through with letting what other people want rule my life. I’ll do what I want to do and if that is bringing you flowers, that’s what I’ll do. I’m sorry to vent on you sweet little angel girl. I’m just so sad and angry that I couldn’t make you well. It hurts so bad sometimes that I don’t know how to handle it. You are my every breath, my every thought. I will and do love you forever. Say hi to everyone for us. I bet they are all so very happy to see you. My little Gracie, I hope you can hear me when I talk to you. I hope you can feel my kisses. I love you baby grilie. May you be in peace and may your body be whole and free of pain. I love you forever and always…..infinity.
All my love,
Your Mommy
April 6, 2005 – Hi my sweet little baby. How are you doing? I hope you are having lots of fun. I miss you so much my little lovey. I wonder if I’ll ever feel whole again. You took a piece of my heart with you that will be lost forever. Oh Anna, I can just see you sleeping, in your pretty blue sleeper. I hope you are warm my little angel. I know you are….you’re perfect. I still haven’t seen you again in my dreams. I wish I could dream of you every night. I would never want to wake up. Do you know who I am up in heaven? I wonder if you can hear me when I talk to you. I hope so. I love you my Gracie face. My heart is broken. Dabby’s at practice tonight. These are hard nights for me because I used to spend them with just you. Oh God, I miss you. The pain is so horrible. I am so very happy that you didn’t suffer my angel. I am so sorry for all of the suctioning they did on you in the hospital. All those times….your poor little heart. My insides feel like they’ve been turned inside out. You are so special. You are everything to me and I will always keep you close in every sense of the word. I’ll never let you go my love. You are my saving grace. Anna, please hear me when I talk to you. Please come to me in my dreams. You are my life, my love, my absolute everything. Sleep well little angel. I hope and pray to see you tonight.
I love you forever and always, infinity!!!
Mommy Loves Anna
Love Always,
Your Mommy
April 14, 2005 – Hi my little beautiful. How is heaven tonight? I wonder if you even have days and nights in heaven. I hope so. I so want to lay by your side at night and cuddle you close. I’m laying here with your dabby, feeling the pulse of his heartbeat while holding his hand. I then put my fingers at the pulse of my neck and felt my heartbeat. It’s not right that my heart still beats, but yours doesn’t. I’m struggling with my faith, little beautiful. I feel as if the only reason to believe anymore is so I’ll have the knowledge of seeing you again, and smelling your beautiful neck and stinky peets. I know my faith is true, I know it’s real, but it isn’t comforting me like I thought it would. I miss you so much. I love you with everything in me. I cannot wait to see you. I still haven’t dreamt of you yet. I will, one of these days. Good night. XXXOOO.
I love you….
April 21, 2005 – I love you pickle chip. I miss you tons and tons. Daddy and I are up in our bedroom, eating strawberries and thinking of you. I saw two ladybugs for you today. I feel you with me every time I see ladybugs. I feel you with me always. I brought a rainbow colored flower pinwheel to your grave today. It looks so pretty when the wind spins it…not as beautiful as you though…nothing is as beautiful as your pretty face. We miss you little lovey. I cry for you a lot. You are with me always. Good night sweet lovey.
Love Always & Forever,
Your Mommy
April 24, 2005 – Hi my little beautiful. I’m sitting here at your grave, writing to you. I’ve wanted to come out and write to you here sooner, but I just haven’t. I just sprinkled lilac petals from Gamma and Papa’s garden on top of your grave. I hope you can smell them. They don’t smell nearly as good as you. Your little flower pinwheel is spinning in the wind. I like to think that it’s you communicating with us. I washed my car at Gamma and Papa’s today. I also went and put your jogging stroller in storage. So sad that we will never see you in it again. It is such a beautiful day out here today. The sun is shining and it’s keeping Mommy warm. You know how cold I always am. Especially without you to keep me warm. Tanti Amy, Garrett and I were out here yesterday. We brought your GG Grandpa and Grandma some purple geraniums and planted them by their headstone. Their graves are in the urn garden, close to the Woodlawn sign. We also brought you some pale pink daisies and dark purple mums. They look so pretty. Garrett wanted to know if we could clean off some headstones as you couldn’t even see some of the names on them. So, the 3 of us went to town and scrubbed a lot of headstones. They look so good now. Do you know who Cori Joy is? I met her Mommy through e-mail. She lost Cori Joy almost 2 years ago now. She had an unknown genetic disorder too. I bet you two have lots in common and I bet you play together all of the time. God be with you both. Say hi to Cathy for Mommy too. She’s a beautiful little girl as well. Mommy has to go now. I will always be here when you need me. I miss you pickle chip. If you get scared, find your Grandma Bakker. Her name is Hilda and she’ll forever take care of you, until you and Mommy meet again.
Sweet dreams little angel.
I love you forever and always…Infinity.
Your Mommy
April 24, 2005 – I’m going to play softball now lovebug. Please pray for me that I don’t get hurt. :o) I sure hope I don’t get mashed in the face. Mommy’s pitching….Owie!
Love you tons!
Mommy
May 6, 2005 – Hi my little lippett. I miss you lots. How is heaven today? I’m sure everything is beautiful and peaceful where you are. I am sitting right above your little body. I know that your spirit has been in heaven for 67 days now. I cannot believe it’s been so long. It’s Mother’s Day this Sunday. I am going to spend it alone with your Dabby. I have a softball game at 5:50pm that day. We lost our last game, but it was fun anyway…. I did so good at practice the last time I wrote to you and asked you to pray for me. Thank you my little angel. Thank you for being my daughter. Thank God for me please. Thank him for choosing me as your Mommy. It’s getting pretty windy out here. I’m glad you are safe and sound in the arms of Jesus. I will think of you always and forever, infinity. I love you always and forever, infinity.
Sleep well my little ladybug.
I LOVE YOU!
Love Always,
Your Mommy
MOMMY AND DABBY LOVE ANNA.
May 8, 2005 – “Mothers Day” Hi my little sunshine. I miss you lots and lots. I am not as sad as I thought I would have been today. I miss you very much, but I think it will be OK. I brought the “baby powder” candle that I received as a gift for you and lit it. I can smell its sweet scent as it burns. Can you smell it too? I keep thinking I hear bees buzzing, but I can’t see them. That’s strange. It feels good to spend time with you out here at your grave. I brought you some white and red tulips too, but your carnations and mums still look so pretty. I don’t want to take them out yet. Miss Kim sent Mommy a Mother’s Day card. It is so beautiful and was so nice of her to do that. I think I’ll re-arrange your flowers and bring some to Cathy. Do you know who Cathy is? She’s a beautiful little girl just like you. She died shortly after her 3rd birthday. She had Tay-Sach’s disease. She looked so much like you when she slept. She was born in 1972, the same year that Mommy was born. She was born in March, just like you. She could’ve been your Mommy too. But I’m the lucky one. I got you for myself. Are you chasing lost of butterflies up in heaven? Grandma’s best friend, Martha and my friend from a long time ago, Jennifer, all had visions/dreams of you chasing butterflies in a field of flowers. I bet that’s so much fun for you. I bought cards for Gamma, Grammie and G Grandma Dodd for you. I thought it would be nice. I know they will love them and I know that you know I got them. I love knowing that you can see me clearly now. I know you can laugh out loud. I know you can walk. I love you Anna Grace, from the bottom of my heart. May be always and forever know just how much. I should go and arrange your flowers now. I think I’ll stop by Grandma Bakker’s grave too. I’m sure that she would like to see me.
I love you with everything inside of me little lovey.
XOXOXOXOX
Thank you for giving me the gift of being your Mommy.
LOVE’S FOREVER,
Mommy
P.S.
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are gray.
You’ll never know Anna,
How much we love you.
Please don’t ever take
Our Anna Grace away.
I got a card today from Tantie Amy that was from you. The first thin I saw when I opened it was a big picture of your smiling face. The card reads….
Hi Mommy. :o) Happy Mother’s Day! I know you might be sad today but please don’t be. Before I was born I knew I wanted you for my mommy because I knew nobody would love me as much as you, and I was right! I’m sorry I had to leave you so soon. I know you had so many other fun and wonderful things you wanted to do with me. But mommy, you loved me enough for a whole lifetime. I am always with you, I can hear you when you talk to me and I see you everyday. I know I could never say it out loud mommy, but I shout it at the top of my lungs everyday in heaven, I LOVE YOU MOMMY and thank you for being the best mommy in the whole world. -- LOVE, ANNA GRACE.
May 15, 2005 – Hi lippett. Mommy has another game tonight. Watch over me please and give Mommy all of your magnificent strength. I mips you. Tantie is here with me. She mipses you too. Big pankins! Just kidding. Sorry I haven’t been out in a while. Pankins for Mommy. Tantie panked Mommy. I miss you and love you. I’ll tell you tonight how the game goes. Enjoy your pretty purple iris. It’s from Tanties garden. WE LOVE YOU. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX. Pankins too! Forever your Mommy…and Forever your Tantie (favorite) :o) ha ha
June 5, 2005 Sunday – Hi my little bug. I am out here at your grave right now. I’m sitting in the car because it’s raining. I miss you Anna. Mommy doesn’t want to live anymore. I want to hold you and smell you and never let you go. I’m so sorry for all of the times that I was short with you. The Thursday before you died, I was so mean to put you in your crib all alone to cry. I even told you to be quiet. Oh Anna, I know now that you were hurting and am so sorry that I didn’t just hold you all day and night. Please forgive me sweet little girl. My heart doesn’t feel like it can go on anymore. I don’t like to do anything anymore. Everything I do reminds me of you and it hurts so bad. I can honestly now say that I know what it feels like to want to take your own life. It feels like there is no hope, no reason, no purpose left. But (and this is a big BUT), I would never, ever see you again if I ended my life. And that is why I will probably live past 100 years. :o) Mommy has a baseball game tonight, that is, if it’s not rained out! I kind of hope it does get rained out. I want to stay home and work on your quilt. It’s starting to come together so fast. It will take a while, but I have all the time necessary. I love you Gracie face. I love you so much. Please pray that God takes Mommy soon. I want to see you so bad. ALL MY LOVE, FOREVER AND ALWAYS, INFINITY! Love, Your Mommy.
“Her”
No amount of faith in this world can take away the pain of losing her.
No touch, no words, no anything heals the pain. Why won’t God take me now to be with her again?
Her Mommy is the only thing I ever wanted to be. What a blessing it is that God gave her to me.
I love you, Hers.
“God’s Children”
God give us children, He does not take them away, He calls them home.
It isn’t enough, for us sinners, that he died on the cross. So, God gives us the most amazing gift, HIS children, to watch over until he comes.
We are his children, his beloved. Age matters to us, it does not matter to Him.
God’s Love is Ageless.
June 15, 2005 7:30pm – Hi my little sweetness. I’m here with you now. I needed to see you tonight; your grave that is. I miss you. I don’t know how to put it into words anymore. For a while, words (whether sad or happy) helped, but they don’t anymore. My grief at not having you here overshadows everything. Like I told your Dabby tonight, it’s hard to care about anything anymore. I look at your picture everyday. It NEVER fails to make me smile; You in your beautiful blue jammies. Oh Anna, I love you. I wouldn’t wish you back because my heart would break so much more to watch you suffer again. No more tubes, no more seizures, no more breathing fast, no more medications, no more throwing up and no more pain. I hope that the lengths we went to, to keep you well, didn’t hurt you more. Dabby got a raise today. I’m proud of him. He’s a good worker. I’m feeling so insecure lately. I feel like your Dabby wants to be with someone else. It’s like he’s hiding something. Maybe it’s just my insecurities. Why am I discussing this right now? You should never have to worry about our relationship. I’m so confused little one. I don’t know what my life has to hold for me. Maybe it’s best that way. After all, I never knew that I was going to have you…and it turned out to be the best thing that has ever, and ever will, happen to me. I should go for a walk now. I brought my headphones with me. I think I’ll walk around the cemetery for a bit. I need the exercise. I love you pickle chip. You are the most beautifulist. Give everyone big hugs from Dabby and Mommy. WE LOVE YOU ANNA GRACE. Forever and Always…Infinity. Your Mommy.
June 19th, 2005 Father’s Day – Hi Super! Mommy’s here again. It’s Father’s Day. It’s a beautiful, sunny day. I just got back from lunch with Grandpa Bakker, PaPa, and Uncle Chep. They all love and miss you. Dabby is on a bike ride. He is very sad. He has his bracelet now. It was from you. We miss you Gracie. No tears today, so that’s good. Mommy has a game tonight. Pray for me. I’ll come and tell you the outcome! I better go and call Dabby. I told him I would. I love you baby girl and miss you every day. I hear your little voice on Dabby’s phone recording and it makes me miss you all the more. Until we meet again my sweetheart… I love you forever and always, INFINITY. Your Mommy.
July 3, 2005 Sunday – Hi peaches and cream. How is heaven today? That’s a silly question, huh? I miss you so much my little one. I want to be in heaven with you. Mommy and Dabby just went for a walk around Lake Paden. It’s a beautiful day. A pretty yellow butterfly flew by us. I think it was you. :o) Mommy’s feet hurt.
August 4, 2005 – My little lovey…Mommy is having a hard couple of weeks without you. I see all the wild purple daisy flowers everywhere and think of that day out at Boulevard Park when Dabby and I walked with you in your dark green jogging stroller. Mommy picked one of those purple flowers and put it in your hand. We took a picture. How pretty you looked with that flower in your hand. We used that picture for the program at your funeral. Anna Grace, I miss you too much. I want my heart to stop hurting, but I fear the only way it will stop hurting is if it stops beating. How much you suffered on this earth, my sweet girl. I am so very sorry. Anna, when can I see you again? I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. I am sorry I haven’t written sooner. I met Stacy Berndtson yesterday. She is Cori Joy’s Mommy. I really feel comfortable with her because her pain is my pain as well. I know that you and Cori Joy are probably the best of friends. What a beautiful girl she is…just like you, angel. Her doctor was Greg Welsh as well. You were two lucky little girls to have Dr. Welsh in your lives. Anna, I’ve decided to go back to school to get my Physical Therapy Assistant Certification. I want to help little ones like you Anna. I want my life to reflect you in every way. You made me a better person. You made me love in incredible ways. Your purpose is getting clearer to me as days go by, but the pain is still the same. I had somebody at my work today tell me that once I got a hobby, that I would forget the pain. How little people understand the death of a child. It is like what Kristine Dillin’s pastor said, “It’s like walking through the valley of the shadow of death and not knowing how to get out.” Anna, I don’t want to live without you. I want to lay beside you and hold you, smell you, bury my face in your neck. I want to tell you that I love you ever second of every day. Anna Gracie, I pray that you always and forever hear my words, every second of every day..” I love you Grace, more than life itself, more than anyone or anything, infinity and beyond.” I can feel you, I can feel the softness of your tiny hands and stinky peets. I absolutely love you, forever and always…infinity. My little ladybug, may you forever know our love. I have some light peach/pink roses that I will bring to you tomorrow. I can’t wait to be close to you, only if it is your precious little body. Sleep well my ladybug. I love you so very much. Hearts and flowers for-ever. Love, Your Mommy, Always.
P.S. My little lovey, I’ve had one good dream, no, two good dreams of you. One was you, but all grown up. You couldn’t speak but I asked you if you knew who I was and you said “Mommy.” I started to cry and told you I loved you and you said “I love you too.” Then when we were at Garrett’s disability games, I dreamt on Friday night that you were laying on a couch, the age when you died, and you smiled big at Dabby and me. Thank you Anna. Thank you so much.
“Poem for Dabby”
Daddy, when you think of me look toward the stars above.
And through YOUR eyes, forever see, our EVERLASTING love.
“LOOK TO THE STARS AND REMEMBER ME”
“What A Day That Will Be”
What a day that will be, When my Gracie I shall see. When I look upon her face, the one who saved me by her Grace. When she takes me by the hand and leads me through the promised land. What a day, glorious day that will be.
